Yes, It’s me

Hei, da tu!

Ai uitat de mine…

Nu… dar vremea trece, viata continua

Mama a fost covid. Si asa lumea o vad doar in ceata

Trist e ca saptamana asta, se implinesc 4 ani de la moartea copilului meu.

Si tot saptamana asta mama nu e bine si a iesit pozitiv.

I guess, … dear diary… , ce nu ti am mai zis de mult, ce mult timp a trecut, cate experiente cu bune si cu rele am sa iti povestesc…

Oare e vremea sa ma intorc?

Mi-e dor, mi-a fost mereu dor.

Si totusi azi, vreau doar o tigara. O ultima tigara, precum mi-am tot zis anii astia.

Oare o sa ajung vreodata la ultima tigara?

O saptamana rece, trist

D pleaca, mama rece, suflet gol.

Time is ticking… but for who and for what?

Mi-a fost dor de tine jurnalule.

Pe maine.

Dear diary…

Ce mult a trecut de cand nu am mai ‘vorbit’. As putea spune ca sunt cu totul alta persoana acum. M-am schimbat putin. Eh..Cel putin nu mai am aceleasi obiceiuri necurate.

L-am gasit pe print si m-am stabilit la casa mea. Vechile cunostiinte ma numesc plictisitoare acum. Desi nu am renuntat decat la bautura excesiva, tigari si mancare daunatoare (inafara de dulciuri..).

Am terminat de lucrat cu nebunii anu asta. Prea mult mental health disabilities e stresant.

Balivernez degeaba ca nu aveam un plan stabil pentru o postare azi. Oboseala m-a facut sa vreau sa imi vizitez trecutu.

Atat am de zis. Noapte buna.

Another life

Can I have this dance? He whispered in my ear once the beats started and took my hand without waiting for my response.

I stood up, my hand in his hand, walking to the dance floor.

My hands on his shoulders, my body started to move the same way he did.

I’m ready if you are ready

The music continued to play as our bodies moved together capturing everybody’s eyes and controlling the dance floor.

After this dance, I promise you I won’t see you again

The way he was holding his hand on my back it made me melt in his arms right away. He brought me closer to him and our heads were touching now. I could feel every move he took on my own body. Being so close to him made me remember why I wanted him so badly. The gaze in his eyes made me blush and feel hot in every part of my body. He made every part of my body his slave and they were just waiting for him to say when.

Nothing would have been more wonderful than to spend a single night in his arms but the rules did not allow us to follow our passion somewhere else. So, we continued dancing. We continued moving together while the music played. With every beat of the music, my ass was moving from a side to another like people usually dance on latino music. But in my head, it moved because of a whole other reason.

A moment of weakness and I let myself fall for this man. A moment of truth while I was resting my head on his shoulder for a few seconds. Nobody needs to know – I was thinking. But this is not the way to reach for happiness. This is not my way. One word and I would be gone with him anywhere in the world. That was my simple mistake.

Our bodies made circles around the ring but we simply could not stop with one song. I needed more. I wanted more. The feeling inside would not let me have my peace but in that moment, our dance made me forget everything and everyone. I started ignoring everything and let go of myself for my pleasure.

And then the music stopped.

And I woke up.

 

Lost souls

We are lost in the ocean of the lost souls.The black hole in our universe is filling up with severy innocent soul left on this planet and this one is left with darkness, pain and poison for the hearts.

No one is with you in these times of darkness. You are àll alone. No one is going to fight for you if you don’t do it on your own. So you better start.

In a world left with nothing, how can you still hope in finding happiness?

Are you blind? Your naive self is making you a target that everyone wants to hit. They think you are stupid. Maybe you are for believing so much. Your hope is hopeless.

People are spiritually broken.

Is the reading making you feel better? Writing? No. It makes you feel safe.

In a poisoned world you feel safe when you find pieces of light, of love, seconds of happiness.

These are so rare that you want to be close to them and hold on to that feeling until death hits you really hard with the truth.

There is a darkness full of pain in all of us… that we’d never escape.

If you go through hell, keep going.

People believe that love is a curse and life is a misery.

Achieving my goals

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE

Being a writer/writing:

  • is my biggest dream
  • is something I love and get lost into
  • is everything I have left when my world is falling apart
  • is where I leave all my demons
  • is the illusion of creating my world and passing through a portal of my imagination to get in that perfect/imperfect/crazy/incredible/dark world
  • is my breathing in a world where breathing is a rare thing

WHY DO YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE THAT

I want to achieve it because it’s making me pass the limit between my two worlds and my two stages. It’s making me a better person and it’s making me see things in a different way. “Reality” is a word a writer does not know. A writer feels alive in his own world.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW YOU HAVE ACHIEVED IT

I would finish my pieces of writing and I would publish them, so that the world would get to know me better through my writing.

HOW WOULD IT MAKE YOU FEEL

Look up ^^ The feeling is unique. Feelings are everything in writing. For me, achieving this is demonstrating to the world they were wrong and I would in the end speak my mind. My oppinion, my voice, even my “imaginary” one, would be heared.

WHAT ARE YOU PREPARED TO DO OR GIVE IN RETURN SO THAT YOU CAN ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS

  • Give up on who I am. I did. I gave up my home, people I loved and moved in another country to learn more about writing, about how to do it and how to achieve it.
  • I’m prepared to break me to achieve what I want from life.
  • I’m prepared to get exhausted and fall down – from writing.
  • I’m prepared to do anything in my power to get started with my work and publish it one day.
  • I’m prepared to make my name known.
  • I’m preapared for my voice being heared.
  • I’m prepared to start writing everyday and whenever I get inspired.
  • I’m prepared to do more things and explore more stuff that could inspire me.

Changed and moved

Believing in love was my thing, right?

So what do you do when love transforms in obsession just before ruining your whole life and mental condition?

I left the country. Searching for a better place. Searching for nicer people. Searching for . . . What?

I broke people, I killed a part inside of me, I made others suffer and… all for what? For nothing.

You know when you get the best news ever and you have the chance to live your dream but you don’t really care because all you wanna do is get out of here as soon as possible?

And never come back. I won’t come back. Why don’t you believe me? Why are you still playing with my mind? 

Stop calling! I’m gone.

This is not a game. This is reality.

Baby, I’m not made of stone… yet.